seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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