Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
