Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
