Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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