The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize