Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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