All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
