A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
organizing the empties. That sober.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
