it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
