I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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