once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
