your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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