I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize