they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
