One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
