No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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