My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
