He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
