last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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