Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
