she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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