I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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