Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
