My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
