I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
