So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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