Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
