i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
