Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
