Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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