I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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