dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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