I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
