He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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