she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
