I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
