I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
