Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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