Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
