im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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