please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
