Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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