Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
