The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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