we have officially lost it.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
