The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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