I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
