ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
