take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
