I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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