Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
