At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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