We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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