dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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