His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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