whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
