I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
