dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
