the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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