I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
