she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
