Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
