i just sent this text using only my big toe
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
