Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
