Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize