My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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