gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
