whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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