while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
