Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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